Deciding
There was a recurring hesitance that could be attributed to fear. It was safer to hold on to the existing, or at least, to passively allow it to exist by simply not speaking the counterfact that if spoken, would immediately and irreversibly change reality. She was in that place. The space that allowed itself to exist, where to use a trite but entirely applicable phrase, "it was easy". She felt like a runner who had rounded the track so many times. The turns were second nature, and putting one foot in front of another was an act as natural as breathing. Now, the thought occurred to stop, a serious thought. But her legs continued to carry her, one in front of the other. She wanted to stop, but also didn't want to stop, wanted to run, but also didn't want to run. Until it became indecipherable exactly what "want" was.
The decision was entirely in her hands. But it was like a heavy rock on the road, it would not fade away or melt away or change shape on its own or through anyone else's energy. No, it required conscious exertion on her part to move. There was no other course of action. Which was, of course, the difficult part. Most difficult because she would be moving it while not knowing what other boulders lay ahead, while only knowing that today, it must be moved. And what about tomorrow? There was no way to figure that out, and the thinking about it continued without reaching conclusions.
But, today, she knows that the rock must move. It will not do to sit idle in the same position for another 365 days, she thought. Her mind and body know.
How terrible would it be to write for 365 days, to self-structure her entire life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Perhaps it will be terrible. Perhaps it will be wonderful. She could gather herself, spread her mind out in the garden and trace its life, connect its webs, spin to the light something that was only hovering in darkness this whole time. She could hike under the sun, have habits, make investments, read the morning paper, ride her bicycle. The challenge is that all of it will have to be self directed, self created. It will ask her to be not only smart, but also a free and responsible human being, more so than she has ever been.
She did not reach a conclusion. The writing comforted her.
The decision was entirely in her hands. But it was like a heavy rock on the road, it would not fade away or melt away or change shape on its own or through anyone else's energy. No, it required conscious exertion on her part to move. There was no other course of action. Which was, of course, the difficult part. Most difficult because she would be moving it while not knowing what other boulders lay ahead, while only knowing that today, it must be moved. And what about tomorrow? There was no way to figure that out, and the thinking about it continued without reaching conclusions.
But, today, she knows that the rock must move. It will not do to sit idle in the same position for another 365 days, she thought. Her mind and body know.
How terrible would it be to write for 365 days, to self-structure her entire life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Perhaps it will be terrible. Perhaps it will be wonderful. She could gather herself, spread her mind out in the garden and trace its life, connect its webs, spin to the light something that was only hovering in darkness this whole time. She could hike under the sun, have habits, make investments, read the morning paper, ride her bicycle. The challenge is that all of it will have to be self directed, self created. It will ask her to be not only smart, but also a free and responsible human being, more so than she has ever been.
She did not reach a conclusion. The writing comforted her.
posted by Quang Tran at 12:02 AM
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